HA.



One day there will be no more pain like an opiate wonderland,
No more worry, it will all just end.

And all our forward movement will finally cease.

The human machine will finally bleed,
The human machine will finally cease to be.

So set yourself free,
And disengage from reality.


The grounds will shake and your children will tremble,
Soon enough the machine will fall.
And we will all crumble,
The human machine will finally bleed and cease to be.
We'll finally be set free

Still alive. Nothing really exciting has been happening. A few things. I've been better. she talked to me again. O.o I never know whats right anymore. so i just go along with everything. Work and the band. I just say what i think needs said. with out lying. I don't like people that lie. Its stupid and uncalled for. I don't lie.

Here I am once again. Good ol LJ.  Well i can't say everythings been peachy. But everythings been ok. Just finished up some recording in the studio. We recorded El Deuche. Old song but finally got it on tape so to speak. Yea. dunno what to say. TG is fun. I take it seriously as i can. And have fun at the same time.

I thought things were looking up for me. Though when i think things are going right. Just as I think i'm back to normal or back to happy happy happyness... i'm not. Drama with my dad. Drama with mom. And not really drama at work but there was this one thing. And i'll just lie to myself and say there '"is'" this one thing. I thought it was real. I thought maybe I was mistaken n I'd run into it again or her so to say. Yet again i think i was mistaken. I've learned that... there's not many people or girls into me. No matter what i think. I'm not looking either don't get me wrong but then again when i'm seriously not trying thats when it seems people notice me the most. Then i'm taken by surprise when they compliment me as a nice person or cute or polite or anything. Now when i'm told i'm all someone has ever wanted I go into denail. Things like that make me seriously like on my toes so to speak. Cuz at that and this point i'm wondering wtf i did to gain someones attention like that. I tried to go with it. I thought i was and did. I don't think i did anything wrong.  But when all is scarred into my mind that i'm bad and not good enough or even when i see myself in the mirror. I just can't accept me. I can't accept that some one. Another person could like me. Or as much. I can't.
And i hate when i'm right. I'd rather be wrong for everytime i've thought someone liked me. In the same sense i'm hooked on 2012. Not the movie just the things and possibilitys of that year.

So really, if that is it. The last of days. I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna be headed down the road to work n see the end of the world and know thats it and my love is just a waste and i've had no one to give it to. I'd rather, much rather be happy in love with someone when it goes down.
I haven't had many gfs. But i have had more instances of people i think like me. So I'll try to get to know the person better. and it usually goes like this. I"ll talk to em for a while everything seems cool. Then all of the sudden seems another guy comes between me n whoever. OR They lose interest in me and see that i'll be bother when they tell me they don't want anything with. But thats worse. I'd rather be told or given a good hint. I hate when people come into my life 90% then suddenly i don't see them that  much or they get 'busy' Or just aren't wanting anything at the moment. What a fucking waste. yes if hurts but fuck least have the balls to be like hey sorry it isn't working. Or something just don't leave me hanging. Or tell me whats up or something.
Needless to say i've had more instances of people starting to like me then lose interest. Than I actually have had Gf's. I'm not trying to rack up a high number of girls either. Everyone has left me or the girls that i thought could be my gf just give up or quit or give up or... I don't know what the fuck they do but they just stop. They stop the compliments. They stop texting as often. They stop thinking i was sweet or cute. They just STOP. X.o Ouch. yea

its like one minute i'm perfect to someone. The next its like a piece of me fell off somewhere n they suddenly have no interest what so ever.
I guess its simple. I give up. I've already lost half of me i can't lose the other half i still have.

Do me a favor and dont' say shit to me that would my ears listen up and my heart jump if your not gonna stand by it.

Sooooo played Hellstock in Rainelle at the Red Dragon tattoo parlor. It was sweet. And sweaty. I sweat balls everytime i play. Then again, who doesn't?
It was cool. I took a shit in the bathroom and apparently some girl was waiting out there. Yep. Thats right. I took a BIG OL SHIT and she was about to go in there, then turned around when she smelled it. I couldn't blame her i was wanting to hurry up and finish n get out. But i mean hell i didn't wanna have to take a dump in the middle of the setlist.

Cool show tho. Its getting tho the point tho where the day after you wake up and your like fuuuuuck. I'm still hurting from that show. Its only because when we play live now we just go the hell off. I mean i'm back behind the drumkit just going the fuck off. I dunno i'm just more into playing as fucking hard as i can and not giving 2 shits or fucks about what i look like. So probably some crazy faces going on. We had fun tho. Can't wait to get my new kick pedals in tho.

I wear a beanie the whole time too. Yep. Its hot. Sweating balls and i'm wearing a beanie. Anyways. I'm sleepy. Its 1:25 in the morning. I guess i'll try to sleep. Its still hard. even at shows. I still think. And here i go again. Well really quick. The other day i was coming home from work. Crossed the lilly bridge looked in from of me and there was a raccoon. It ran across the road and right after i saw 2 babies. I fucken slammed the brake jumped out thinking i might have had a chance to catch one. but they were long gone. I waited to see if another would come across the road. Oh what i'd do if i caught one. I know a very good home it could have and would be spoiled rotten.

So I go to practice today all cracked up on a rockstar double shot and a NOS. Now i already know that i can handle 7 or 8 redbulls over a 14 hour period. That was the trip to florida in 06. Anyways as a drummer it takes a lot out of you. you have to stay hydrated during shows and practice. Long story short energy drinks is what i do with practice and shows. You drink enough of those shots at once and i'm willing to bet its almost like being on crack.

Eh anyways. Show tomorrow. Band is good. 9 orginal songs i think. Um... getting some sweet stuff for my drumkit even tho i'm not paying for it up front. Thats the beauty of have a member of your band own a music store. Axis a longboards. Classic black. Look em up. There sweet.

Basically i just work. Practice. Play shows. Sleep. Etc.

I got my shift supervisor position at work. Whooptie shit tho. $8.25 an hour. Best i've had yet. But still.

Then there are the things I miss. *sigh* what do i say?

My mind thinks and remembers and tried to explain. It seemed that the right words very rarely left my lips.

Note my time. 3:19 a.m. I never get any sleep anymore. I'm ok I guess. I just have that useless, pointless, wasted feeling a lot now. Not to the point where I think i'm alone in the world. Occasionally I'll get that feeling. It always follows right after I remember the good things that use to be in my life. Then, somewhere between the good, there's the bad. Then my minds throttle just sticks wide the fuck open. Driving down the road. Going straight at stoplights now instead of right.

Greenlights, everyday at 4:20, when i notice the air is low in my front tire. (still) (tho i pumped it up). Flowers. All flowers. I dread winter. That'll remind me hard core. Foggy nights at the peir. I still have my love sign on my wall. I haven't moved it. Everything. See? There I go again. Telling myself stuff. I need to stop. Not stop like STOP. I just need to ... fuck i dunno what to do lol. Not that i'm trying to forget cuz i'm not. Just i'm reminded all the time. I still have a secret collection of photos i look at. Like i was 6 minutes ago. Note number 6.

See? I'm stupid. I'm just sleepy. Dont mind me. Right? Robbie dont' mind yourself ur just... sleepy yea thats it. Now, get up. Finish this journal with pointless babble and go (try) to sleep. Try to keep the piece of you that you have held on to. Whatever it is, that is.


-Robnigg-

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope


I'm Sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry for the oceans in those eyes. Believe me, in my eyes or galaxies when it rains it pours. Cept no one knows but me.

Pretty much either every night or every other night that I've slept since then. I"ve dreamed about you. Your right love is not a weapon. I wanted you. I wanted to be with you. It just became to much to handle. I wanted to but I couldn't place myself as to how so many fights would happen yet i didnt' know why? I've never made anyone that angry before. Now i'm back to myself and so are you. I guess this how you wanted it. I know i didn't want it like this. if I could have taken every doubt in your mind away i would have. But i can't control a mind. As no one else in the world can control another mind.
I just wanted to be with you, yours, and love and help along the way. I never meant to cause pain. And towards the end it seemed thats all i was doing. And even before i thought maybe i should leave. I never wanted to. But many times i heard you say you'd be happier with out me. So what else am i left to think?

Towards the end when all you say is i might as well leave thats what i want. I really didn't want that. But explain to me how i was supposed believe you wanted me to stay. For like 5 months everytime some sorta fight happened. I heard leave. Break with me etc. You tried to force me to walk out on you. i wouldn't. Why? heh i thought you'd get it. CUZ I NEVER WANTED TOO....  Even the night that for some reason or another we stayed up all night argued. You threw my keys across the road. Yelled screamed. Drove off in the car, threatened to wreck it.  Yea that was not even all of it. But after all of that.... i still wanted to be with you. And everytime in the back of my mind. I was thinking. "If i was him, if i was the one she wanted and was perfect this wouldn't be happening. And i thought to myself. "No, dude just keep trying she's had it rough beyond my imagination." So guess what... i Kept trying. Sometimes it was hard to get past the extremes of the events that happened. But i did.  And i still loved you. All i wanted was to maybe grab you snag you up. Cover your mouth and whisper in your ear that i love you. Tell you stop this nonsense. But I didn't know. I didn't know if you'd want that. I didn't know that if i did that maybe it'd help. At the same time i knew if i did. I knew if i even said the word nonsense or tell you to quit. You'd think it'd be ur fault. You'd think ur a bitch. ur not. But i didn't want you think that.  So i tried to think of a better way. Always tried to think of better ways. I knew that if i told you to stop acting childish and actually set down and talk to me with out yelling. With out cursing. That you may think ur a bad person.
Like my dad said. Acting like that is uncalled for. 

I know deep down tho. It's not gonna matter. None of this. or ME for that will matter. I hate to think that. but i'm pretty sure i'm speaking truth.
Occasionally I break down. Yes, i cry. I cry at the thought of I'll probably never taste another kiss of your. Another hug. Your head laying in 'your nook'. I try to keep my head up. but its hard to look ahead when i wanted u there and ur not. I know i did this. I chose this. but i figured that maybe the pain of us being a part would be more peaceful than causing events like have happened. i know all you ever wanted was peace and love. but as with love causing so much pain. I figured you'd rather have peace. I never knew peace could be so lonely tho.

I told you were the girl in my dreams. And that i had never met her till i met you. When i met you I saw her face. The face i never seen in my dreams. But i felt her. And it was you. Now, baby, ur still my dream girl. And now when i dream I see your face. I feel the same feelings except ur face is there. I see you. I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS. You were once mine. NOw when i wake up. your not there. Yea, i know i know. i did it. Its my fault. what else is there to say? I don't know. Thats why i cna't talk to you. I dont' know what to say. How do you speak to someone you left but really didn't want to. How do you explain to them. Try to make sense to them that you never wanted seperation between the 2. When its reality.

Sure the hardcore manly man would  just forget about you. Your branded right there in my heart tho. I face i always longed to see but probably will never see the beautiful smile again. Now look at me... I'm sure i'll never be that happy again. Sure, you may think i'm happier with out you. I miss you. Not the fighting. Heh funny think. Maybe i should have convinced you i'd hit you. but instead when you thought i would I just should have grabbed you and kissed you. I'd never hit a girl tho. And like i say. I'd always take up for you. I would fuck someone up beyond belief if i knew they deserved it and they beat you. I'd never wish that upon you. Heh... i'd probably go to jail just to whip someones ass for you if they'd hit you.

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

p. s. If your reading. there's a pretty cool movie coming out. its called 2012. Its about the end of the world. YOu might like it i'm pretty sure.

and with that said. If i know the world is ending. Or is going to end. Then i'll probably call you if i have your number and you haven't forgotten about me.

To all other readers. I do not feel like going back and spell check or correct grammar. I have work to do. And i was just pour my brain on my keyboard.
Chase. I miss you man.

Just remember that about 2 weeks ago when i tried to leave who said they wasn't trying. WASN"T TRYING.... Now furthermore I"ve been the one told to try n try n try n try. But instead i just kept breaking. All that just to here you admit that you wasn't trying.

I really wanted it. I did. I swear. But so much has happened. N i just couldn't handle it anymore. Knowing that i could be the perfect one n then the next minute be the biggest piece of shit to walk the earth. I don't like feeling that way. I don't like to worry when you may get mad next. 

I tried. I don't care who said what or whatever. I tried. I know leaving isn't trying but leaving was stating the obvious. It wasn't working. I"m sorry for that. I have faith you'll find him n know. You'll know one day that i really tried.

Just as i will you will too. You will realize who i was n that i really never tried to make you mad on purpose or any of those things. I"m not a bad person. But at present moment while you read this its probably pissing you off from the first 3 words you read.
I know i'll miss you. N that it really sucks a big one that i can't be with you cuz we just will probably never get along.

I know i'm blocked on your myspace. Thats fine tho cuz id rather not see the pic comments. I already seen jay's lil comments on your pic about bein hot n cut boots n so on. So from that i went to his profile to see a cute face pic comment that was posted when we were still together. Yea somethign that simple doesn't piss me off but it hurt my feelings to know how he's ur ex n so on n that you still talk to him like that. I don't care that you talked to him but when he's callen you hot n your callen him cute... hmmm i remember you commenting my pics right before i figured out you liked me with " cute robnigg" or " too cute' .n so on.

its like there's no middle. No chill mood. Its either really really happy or really really angry at me.

You took lots of pics of me. I'll remember who i was looking at behind the camera. I just hope when every guy comments your pics that i took of you. You remember who took that. Who you were looking at. Who was trying. Someone who cared to go through that much for you untill they couldn't handle it. That right there proves me to be unperfect. If i was perfect i'd still be laying in your bed with your head on my shoulder where everything is ok. Instead your looking for a replacement. Cuz you can't be alone you said. Thats fine. But still.... for you to have liked me n have loved me as much as you said. i'd never imagine you wanting someone else so fast n to believe that you wasn't lying when you said you loved me.

heh Ya know what. Do it i encourage it. Go find mr right. Mr. perfect n when you do Unblock me n let me know you found him. Go ahead n tell me you found someone that was better than me. I know he exists. I know i was never good enough for you. n you wondered why i had a dumb look on my face when you would get mad.

Just believe me. I never wanted this. I really really really loved you with every fucking square in of my heart. N my heart was made of steel n but you seemed to have a fire so hot that it melted right through me. When i said i had a heart of steel i was just tryin to tell you to calm down relax everythings ok cuz i really won't go anywhere if you'd have just believed me instead thinking i was a liar.

But to prove you love me. You don't do it with anger fighting. Or taking things of mine to make me stay when were fighting. Thats not how it works. That stuff made me wanna leave you. I wanted no part of that. now the heidi i knew when i first met u unless you were pretending.. in which i am pretty damn sure you wasn't i loved. I had the best of intentions. thats a promise.


I had the best of intentions. I swear. I never ment to hurt you. Just love you but i guess i didn't make it apparent enough

I had a show there about err 3 day ago or so. It was awesome. Heidi went with me n got some crazy amzing great pics of us all. She so much. So nice to me. Fixing dinner all the time. And breakfast and would probably cook for me every hour if i asked her to. She's so much to me. Like everything. her food is really good too. I love it i'll never get enough of her. Shes everything a guy could dream for but more. And the biggest riddle of all is how in the hell did i snagg her up? How? I must have had the right scent about me. The right look about me. The right everything according to her. I won't doubt her one bit tho. When a pair of such beautiful eyes with a slender figure tells me that i'm perfect. I'll smile and give a kiss and be happy that someone can be so into me as she is.

She is loved. She will be loved. god do i love her. I'm going right back to her here in a little bit to as i wait for her. She was sleeping while i was jamming on the drums. I know she'll have something yummy fixed for me. And then i'll have her for desert :P :)

She got this really really pretty dress she wears and it just looks soo good on her. I see it and know its my baby!

well gotta go home to her! :)

I am loving everything. I'm loving her more and more. Heidi. thats who. After everything to hear n see and feel and touch her still. And to just watch her say i love you into my eyes. thats priceless to me.  I hope she feels precious around me cuz thats what i see. Someone so caring. So precious. So a soft touch. She can make me shiver like no other. I love it. I never thought i could love someone so much. But i thought wrong. I want her. Its love its a addiction. She's my favorite drug. I could never O. D. over her. I'll love her forever. and ever after.

For once i think someone can actually learn me to swim. I won't doubt her. I know it'll take sometime but man i'll be a swimmer afterwards tho! :) tis all for now.

When i mentioned the music thing and how its like a messenger or a reminder yea. TODAY for instance amos was around and i have never until this day heard him listen to sublime. And sure enough i'm sitting there and he pops on sumblime - caress me down. Then i think even more. Then i just sit there in silience thinking until someone says something about me not tlaking or somethign dumb like that. But i still think of her. She will be happy and there will be no return to a dark cold side of the world i'll keep her out of it safe right were she belongs in my arms my dearest heidi. I've always just wanted us. And to be happy. So happy that we make other people and couples jealous. For best friends to be jealous that there gf or bf isn't there best friend as much as she is to me. She's my best friend. My everything my world my sweetest heidi  lee.

I know I love her. If i didn't i wouldn't constantly think about her like i do. I'll never stop loving her. I know i'll miss her. But that doesn't mean i'm stopping completely. I know i can make this work. I can make everything ok. I know it. But I'm gonna mend this to where it'll never have to break ever again. She'll never doubt my love nor will i doubt hers. I know she loves me. I feel like this because of her. I feel loved an cared about because of her. I will fix this. I will mend us. But at the same time i know i can make it ok completely. I will have my baby  my only baby. If she asks will this hurt i'll smile and say no. For long days between us disappear as do everything else around me does when i feel her touch me. If only she knew how beautiful she really was to me. I remember the days she'd let me sleep in or get up for a few hours n i'd sleep n then wake up to this instant instant warm hugging feel over me and the covers and its my baby waking me up staring me in the eyes like i'm the most precious thing in world. But me. When i wake up and i feel her. I don't have to see her. I just know its her. I can feel her the way she'll hug me or graduly tickle me to wake up so i'll roll over. I love it. Maaaann the tickles. The tickles... now my mind is all over you baby. Right now . I'm thinking of you. 3:40 in the morning. Whats up? Whos up? me thinking of you and how i want you so bad. And how i know you can do it .  And that it can be me. It can be us. Please. I need her. Really bad. My heart is hers. I gave it to her. I do trust her. I just know that she asked for me and that she needs me. god do i ever want her. Her no one else.  

Its not like shes just some ordinary girl. I love her and that makes her special to me. I don't look at other girls the same as her. I look her as above all. As the face that will always stand out to me in a crowd. The shining beatiful one. When i see other girls its like there guys. Or so i treat them as one i guess you could say. I want them to know that i'm taken and happily in love with my baby.I belong to her. Heidi that is.  but its like i dont' see appeal in other girls anymore. I haven't since i've met this angel. I know she doesn't believe in anything and sometimes. A lot of the times as am i unsure but i want to just ask her did it hurt? And when she ask what do you mean i want to say when you fell from above. Cuz jeeeeezussss she is amazing to me. and that why i can't believe someone of the beauty that she has would cast there eyes to me and tell me they love me. its like sometimes i don't think i'm worthy of such beauty. But at the same time i've never seen such passion in someones eyes when they tell me. I've never seen anyone stare as deep into my eyes as she does. Gooood i will not lose her. I will make things permantly better nothing will ever worry her precious head again.  I guess over all never felt so much ever with anyone. I mean the level of comfort she gives me is amazing as is she. I just no i'll always beg to differ when tis said someone thinks i do not love them for oh i know its way on the i loveeeee her so much. Like if only she knew. For she races 1235235346 laps a day on a 1000000000 mile long course. I think the next time she asks i'm gonna tell her that cuz fucks sake she does not leave my mind or heart or anything i think about her all the fucking time. I'll get this fixed tho I know . I hope at least i can get through to her or make her understand i'm hers.

Another thing. The radio at work like a messenger or someting. I constantly hear The Doors and jason mraz "i'm yours' and i just wish i could sing that song to her . And thers a ton of other songs that catch me n are usually love type songs or similar.  Everytime i sneek a string cheeze or a cherry tomatoe i'll think of me telling her and how she'll smile and say awww an just want to hug me up. yea always on my mind my dearest of all. I love thee. With all of me. Cuz thats me i know it has to be. I love her with all of me. I'll have her in my arms again. I hope. I really do. I told you that once you knew i loved you that i'd never stop an I'd just keep loving you. And i do. So if you ever get a weird feeling in yoru heart during the day baby as do i . Jsut know that i'm thinking about you. All the time.

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For all the times i could have said it or wanted to or thought it in addition to when i've said it Heidi I love you. Please never give up on me. If you never give up on me then you'll see n realize i've never given up either and never will.

Finding a job is becoming harder than i thought. I knew it would be a challenge as always but i mean come on.

Comfort Inn.
Sleep Inn.
Hampton Inn.
Domino's
Little Ceasars
Papa Johns
Kit Tire
Gradys Auto Center
Po boys tires
Napa Auto Parts
Advance Auto Parts
Auto Zone



... anyways jobs are hard to find...

i'm done with this one... i was gonna go on but i lost it.